Disclaimer: X-Force are the property of Marvel Comics. I am making no money from them, in fact Marvel are making money from me because I buy their comics! Empire Magazine is published by EMAP Metro Ltd. so I guess they own it. I am not making any money off of them either! I appologise to Empire, I love you guys so damn much. (Honest!) Oh, the views in this short piece of work are most definitely mine, not the very nice Red Monster who probably has the totally opposite view from me! I DON'T DO ACCENTS.
Note from Red Monster: The notes in red are from me because Rhona told me I could add in my own two cents if I so wished!
Written like a script because I felt like it!
-Rhona "Jupiter 2" Highet
Siryn was bored. She pulled out her collection of film review magazines and picked up the 100th edition of Empire. Flicking through some of the pages, she was shocked at what she saw and read and just had to harrass her teammates with it.
Siryn: Look at this!
She slams the magazine down in front of Cable who was just about to eat his breakfast. The other members of X-Force look at her.
Siryn: They can not be serious.
The assembled masses stare at the picture of Harrison Ford. Only Domino is brave enough to speak up.
Domino: What's the problem?
Siryn: He's the top movie star of all time according to this magazine.
There is a look of total disgust on her face. The article has offended her greatly.
Warpath: She's right. Man he sucks. I've seen more action from a Teletubby!
Siryn: Everyone knows it's Jack Nicholson!
Warpath: Well he's number 6.
Meltdown: Who's number 2?
Cable picks the magazine up and flicks through it. He's willing to get involved in this group discussion, it's probably going to be the only decent conversation he'll have all day.
Cable: Number 2 is Clint Eastwood. Now he should have been number 1.
Domino: I thought that this was supposed to be about actors?
Meltdown snatches the magazine from Cable and flicks through it. What could have been a collector's item is now ruined with greasy fingerprints.
Meltdown: Well, this magazine gave Braveheart five stars.
Rictor: So did the OSCARS!
(Author's note: Mel Gibson better appologise to every British person for that film.)
Mel Gibson better go sit in his room and think about what he did for a very loooooong time!
Siryn: That film was soooooooooo bad. The way they portrayed the Irish in that film, uch, I'm no even gonna waste me breath on it.
And the way he cast all of 3 women in the film and had sex with 2 of them! He should be drawn and quartered.
Domino (trying to avoid that subject): So, who's number 3?
Meltdown: Tom Cruise!
Ahhh, now there's a hunk who's worth his weight in gold!
The ladies all sigh with delight while the guys shake their heads with disgust.
Warpath: How can he be classified as an actor?
Siryn: Well...
Warpath (cutting Siryn off): That was rhetorical question.
Shatterstar: Does any of this matter? (slyly)How high is Sean Connery?
Meltdown: About 6'2"!
Siryn(snatching her magazine back): Number 14, but he's the number 1 sex god!
Domino: I second that!
Warpath: Okay, if Sean Connery was to come in here right now and ask you to live with him on his desert island, would you go with him?
Domino (with a grin on her face): In a heartbeat!
Siryn: I'd kill ye first, Domino!
Rictor (laughing histerically): Wait, let me get this straight, you'd both choose a man that could be your grandfather over Cable and Warpath!
James Proudstar and Nathan Summers both look at each other. Julio Richter, soon to be deceased, is still laughing hysterically.
Caliban: Caliban likes Sean Connery too!
Siryn (giving Cal a 'you just don't get it' look): Right, okay Cal.
Shatterstar has been busy wrestling control of the magazine from Meltdown, who wrestled it from Siryn (who lived in the house that Jack built. -joke-)
Shatterstar: Hmmm, Nicholas Cage is rated higher than Dustin Hoffman.
Sunspot (as Rainman): Very bad, yeah, not good, no, very bad.
Siryn(ignoring Sunspot): An' what's the matter with Nick Cage?
Shatterstar: Nothing, why?
Siryn: That's my man you're insulting!
Rictor (now recovered from his fit): Which goes to prove you have very bad taste in men!
If his earlier comment wasn't going to end his life this one was. Jimmy was ready to attack the smaller man.
Rictor (appologetic mode): You being the exception amigo. Anyway, where's Marilyn?
Shatterstar: Eight.
Shatterstar, who still has control of the magazine, goes back to the five star movie reviews.
Shatterstar: seen it, seen it, seen it, that was not worthy of 5 stars, seen it, (rude word), seen it, that got 5 stars?, that deserved 5 stars, seen it, seen it, seen it, (Et cetera)
Meltdown: Anyone else get the impression 'star has no life?
Everyone raises their hand.
Siryn: What film are ye at?
Shatterstar: Trainspotting.
Domino (outraged): Those idiots know nothing about films!
Shatterstar: There is nothing wrong with Trainspotting.
Domino: 'Star, it is full of foul language which was not needed (but most people from Edinburgh, and Glasgow use on a regular basis e.g. me! -Rhona.) and that scene where Ewan goes into the toilet (vomit) was so sickening and then there was all that drug taking, the baby crawling up the wall, what kind of sick mind comes up with all that?
All the members: Irvine Walsh!
Cable: Give me the magazine 'star.
Shatterstar hands over the magazine. Cable turns to Kate Winslet interview. He is half drooling over the picture.
Cable: "Who is the most powerful person in the film industry?" "James Cameron". Eh,everyone knows it's the audience. Is she thick or what?
Shatterstar: She may be thick but who can knock a beauty like that!
Meltdown: 'Star loves Kate!
Shatterstar: No! Number 49.
Cable frantically flips the pages. His eyes all but bulge out of their sockets when he looks at the picture.
Cable: Brigitte Bardot?
Shatterstar & Rictor: Schwing!
Meltdown(pointing at the two): Look, sad and pathetic!
Cable and Domino are now looking at clips from interviews.
Domino: Typical man!
Siryn: What?
Domino: Charlie Sheen saying he had 5 girls at once.
All the guys try to grab the magazine but Domino manages to keep it.
Domino: I bet their names were Ginger, Sporty, Scary, Baby, Posh.
Sunspot(as the Spice Girls): I'll tell you what I want what I really really want!
Siryn: Put a sock in it will ye Bobby?
Sunspot: Make me!
Warpath chases after Bobby on Terry's behalf. Bobby, however, turns into his burning form and flies away from Jimmy.
Siryn: Jimmy, I want his head on a silver platter!
Warpath: Hey, do your own dirty work.
Jimmy then comes back to the table and grabs the magazine off Domino.
Cable (spitting out his coffee): That's cold.
Domino: That's why we have microwaves, Nate!
Cable gets up and shoves his breakfast into the microwave. He puts it on full power for thirty seconds. The rest of the team are currently moving into the living room to watch the Satuarday morning cartoons. Jimmy is reading the 100 greatest actors.
Warpath: I hate John Wayne. I hate westerns.
Siryn: Jimmy, dinnae take it so personally, the guy's real name was Marion Morrison.
Warpath: Are you sure?
Siryn: Yup.
Domino: Has anyone noticed anything?
Meltdown: Apart from the fact that we've had a decent chat?
Domino: Apart from that.
Siryn: Now that you mention it, yeah.
Cable: This has got to be a dream.
Domino: Yes, we made it through the morning without a dramatic event happening.
All of them look at each other.
Siryn: So. Anyone done anything interesting lately?
The End.
Short? Painless? Interesting?
I apologise to all the actors, writers, et cetera who I may or may not have offended. The only exception being Mel Gibson.