I was just a kid who really liked the more human side of the X-Men. But I wasn't finding much of that in the comic books. When I found out about the Subreality Cafe, I thought it was great. A place to meet the X-Men in civilian mode, acting like people. So I came on down. Boy, was it crowded. Superheroes in every room, comic writers, fanfic writers, and readers like me, floating through the halls, and in and out of the rooms to visit the characters. I looked in every room until I found the X-Men. There was a whole crowd of fanfic writers in there with them, as well as a few comic book writers. I had hardly stepped in when a fight broke out between Scott Lobdell and a fanfic writer. I don't know what had been going on, but man, was that fanfic writer pissed at Lobdell! She just lit into him with the fury of a bobcat! Lobdell kept his guard up, and didn't fall down once, and took her punches like a man, but she just didn't stop! She was determined to kill this guy, even if she ended up breaking her own fist and making a damn fool of herself at the same time. Most of the other fanfic writers cheered her on, and Chris Claremont sat next to Wolverine and laughed. Rogue just shook her head in disgrace. I wanted to hide in a corner, wait until the fight was over, and then visit with the X-Men once the dust had settled, but I didn't get the chance. The fanfic writer socked Lobdell in the gut so hard he went flying out of the room, and I was in his way. So we both got knocked through the door, down the hall, and through another door, thus into another superhero team's room. Seeing Lobdell lunge back toward the X-Men's chamber with bloodshot eyes, I decided it was wise not to follow him.
"Well, what is this, a greenhorn from the readers' floor, who made the mistake of trying to visit the X-Men at the wrong time of the month!" said a cocky male voice from behind me. I stood up, and there sat a very convoluted version of X-Force. Now, I had never read X-Force very much, but this team was definitely not any that had ever been together all at once. At this table sat Shatterstar, Cannonball, Siryn, Deadpool, Warpath, Meltdown, Illyana Rasputin, Cable, Domino, Risque, Rictor, Dani Moonstar, Sunspot, and Thunderbird. That must have been him calling me a greenhorn.
"Listen, kid, when you smell PMS coming from the X-Men's pad, it's probably a Lobdell-basher, so don't go in there. Just don't. Don't do it. I know it's tempting, but it's dumb. Nothing like a Lobdell-hater with hormones." Deadpool said to me.
"Isn't this place a little empty? I mean, the X-Men's place was full of writers and readers. This room only has you guys and me. Where's everybody else?" I asked them.
"Hardly anybody ever comes in here. We've had a few comic book writers come in here. First, we had Fabian Nicieza, and he was really cool, but that BOB from the editors' floor chased him away, so we had to settle for Jeph Loeb, who I'm sure meant well, but he was a total idiot." said Meltdown.
"Yeah, he took me outta here and stuck me in with the X-Men! Said I'd 'graduated', as if this team were a school or something! Geez, that's what you're supposed to do with that Generation X bunch, not us!" Cannonball railed.
"And he made the readers stop coming, so we booted him outta here, and now we have John Francis Moore. He's really good, I just don't think he knows that much about us as individuals." said Dani.
"For Christ's sake, he thinks I'm from Belfast, that I told Jimmy I just wanted to be friends, and that Tabitha is the mechanic on the team!" Siryn cried. Upon standing up and getting a better look at her, I could see she was very pregnant. Deadpool kept his arm proudly around her belly.
"Relax, Terry. At least he isn't having any of us 'graduate' into the X-Men." Warpath said.
"But, where are the readers and fanfic writers? They ought to be in here all the time." I asked them.
"Well, kid, readers have been kind of sparse since Loeb stank this place up with his 'let's turn X-Force into junior X-Men!' bull hockey, his lousy plots, his crappy continuity, and his incessant hanging plot threads. Moore is pretty good about keeping the few readers we have left coming back to visit us, but they're not very many." said Rictor.
"We hardly have any fanfic writers at all. The only fanfic writers who ever come in here are Mash, Desert Nomad, Tim Frankovitch, DuAnn Cowart, Elizabeth Celeste (occasionally), and that bipolar, disjointed Red Monster. That's it. More than X-Factor's got, but that's not saying much. See the crowd in the X-Men's place? You should see it when Lobdell isn't in there. They flow out onto the street. But we can count our fanfic writers on our fingers." said Cable.
"And more importantly, we like it that way!" said Illyana moodily.
"It was that Red Monster who was in here when I got knocked up!" Siryn said.
"And you two put on quite a show for her too." Warpath said to her and Deadpool.
"Don't be jealous because I went at it with your girl, Proudstar." Deadpool taunted.
"Get your head out of your ass, Wilson, it was just a cheap one night stand when Terry was feeling lonely... and horny. Only I'm allowed to make fun of Jimmy." Thunderbird said.
"Hold on a minute. I can understand how Illyana is sitting here, I guess, but aren't you supposed to be completely, undeniably dead, Thunderbird?" I asked.
"That's a common misconception. Red found me and brought me back in here. And before she did that, she hauled Guthrie back in here from the X-Men's place." Thunderbird said.
"Thank God. I was developing a nervous tic in there." Cannonball said.
"So, are most of your fanfic writers pretty good?" I asked. Better to have a little gold than a lot of lead.
"Some of them. DuAnn is very nice. Desert Nomad is a little giddy, but she means well. Elizabeth Celeste is fairly good, when she comes in here. Mash is okay. Red Monster loves us more than her luggage, but sometimes she makes me wonder what she's been smoking." Domino said.
"Hi, X-Force, how's it going?" asked John Francis Moore, coming inside.
"Johnny, at first I was content when you stopped making me act like a bitch, but I've given it some thought, and I've decided, I have to get a few things straight with you." said Siryn.
"What is it, Terry?" asked Moore.
"First, I am from County Mayo, Republic of Ireland. I don't know where you got the idea that I'm from Northern Ireland, but just scrap your whole Belfast mindset and pray no one noticed. And my mother died when I was a little baby, so I don't remember her. Second, I never told Jimmy I just wanted to be friends!" she started, when she was cut off by Deadpool.
"Yeah, she told him she couldn't stand the smell of him anymore, and she wanted to marry me and live in candle-wax-and-leather-whips bliss in my little hole in the ground out in San Francisco!" Deadpool blathered. Warpath him over the head with a water glass.
"I said no such thing. Third, Jimmy and I are the mechanics on the team, not Tabitha! And just to make sure you really know the full story, I don't drink." Siryn finished.
"Yeah, Johnny, I am not a grease monkey!" Meltdown.
"Okay, I'll try to remember that. I need to go see Wolverine about something, can I do anything for you guys while I'm out?" Moore offered.
"Here, give this to Red Monster." said Rictor, handing Moore a bottle of pills.
"Lithium?" Moore asked.
"Shove it down her throat if you see her." Rictor said.
"And if you're going into the X-Men's pad, take this with you. Lobdell's having a little altercation in there with a fanfic writer with PMS." said Cable, handing Moore a gun.
"Only one? Say, Theresa, when are you going to have your baby? You look like you're ready to pop." John asked, accepting the gun.
"If Red Monster comes in here a couple more times, I'm going to spit it out at her." Siryn said bitterly. I guess she had hormones.
"Okay, I don't like fanfic authors that much anyway. They act like they're better than us who get paid to write." Moore said, walking away with the gun and the lithium.
"How come so few people write fanfic about you guys? I've never come in here before, but I know you're not that bad." I said.
"Who cares? It's better that we hardly have any fanfic writers coming in here. We get more privacy that way!" Illyana said.
"I really don't know why. Maybe we're just cursed? Why don't you go ask around, and try to help us find out?" asked Domino.
"Okay, I'll try." I promised. I left the Subreality Cafe, carefully avoiding the X-Men room, determined to find out why X-Force is so lonely. And I still can't find any answers. But perhaps it's better that way. After all, at least it's peaceful in their part of the Cafe.
The End.
First of all, the version of X-Force portrayed here is the version currently in X-Force: The New Breed (around the time of chapter 20), plus Dani, and Deadpool is hanging out with them.
Second, my sincerest apologies go to my fellow X-Force fanfic writers about whom I have said something less than flattering. Feel free to make fun of me in your stories.
Third, yes, I am lamenting the pitiful lack of X-Force fanfic out there. Looking for fan-written X-Men stories is like looking for hay in a haystack, whereas X-Force stories are more like needles. That's why I started writing X-Force: The New Breed, in case you were wondering. I felt it had to be done.
All X-Force and X-Men characters are property of Marvel Comics, and I am using them without permission or affiliation, and I’m not making any money off this story, either.
Chris Claremont, Scott Lobdell, John Francis Moore, DuAnn Cowart, Desert Nomad, Tim Frankovitch, Mash, and Elizabeth Celeste are property of themselves.
I, Red Monster, am property of myself.
The Subreality Café was invented by Kielle.